Challenging

One word for this entire past weekend is challenging.  As I said on Friday I was going out to the Young Life camp in central Oregon over the weekend, and was a bit nervous about being there. I hadn't been to camp in a little over 3 years, I hadn't talked much to any of the folks I led with previous, and it would be the first time seeing and talking with many of them.  I was incredibly nervous.
On the ride over to camp there was the most intense thunder & lightning storm I have ever witnessed in my 24 years in Oregon.  There were times when the lightning lit up the entire sky & earth - as if someone had taken a huge snapshot of the terrain.  It felt so tumultuous -- much like how I was feeling inside.
After we had made our way down the winding gravel road and turned in to camp - I felt the overwhelming sense that I was somewhat alone.  Yes, in the middle of all those people -- some whom I've known for 7 years plus, I felt completely alone.  And that feeling did not dissipate come the morning - if anything it intensified.  The feeling of being alone coupled with intense feelings of insecurity (why am I here, what am I doing, do I belong, should I be leading, am I even effective, etc) bubbled thru my brain during breakfast and into the seminar I went to with other leaders.

After lunch our area played a quick game of silly volleyball and then we took a tour of the new Wyld Life camp they're building on the property.  That was amazing to see how they are building this beautiful amazing camp just for middle schoolers.  Following that I somewhat retreated with napping. 

And here's where Satan ramped up his game big time on me(stupid satan...hate him)....while walking to dinner my team leader basically called me out on how my internal things (I'm not super good about sharing my struggles with others) are impacting the team and it's coming across as if I don't care for them, trust me, even like them.  I felt like I had been smacked in the face with a 2x4.  I couldn't even go in to dinner - I had to get away and just think and pray and cry out.  And that's what I did...I took the long way back to my cabin, crying all along the way, crying out to the Lord... Where was He, why am I so afraid, Why can't I just trust in who God created me to be, Why can't I seem to trust this organization again....I plopped down in the bathroom and just cried for 30+ mintues.  Crying and crying and crying...begging the Lord to meet me; I needed an ally in the worst kind of way.  And as faithful as God always is...He did.
During our 2nd general session the worship was so sweet, it felt like God was wrapping his arms around me and healing the hurts that were deep down.  Mike "Ash" Ashburn, our speaker (and oddly enough, the speaker when I was a camper in 2002...), shared incredible wisdom & gentleness; exactly what I need (thanks God).

It was definitely a roller coaster the entire weekend -- and by the time I got home, I was exhausted.  And I think Satan is trying to get at me in any way he can (I'm battling a cold right now) because of the way God met me and I embraced him. 
Here's something that really jumped out to me in my reading...
"Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity." Joel 2:13

Remembering that God is gracious, compassionate, and abounding in love....
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