Self Challenge

So this morning started off terrible -- on my drive in to work I get pulled over by a motorcycle policeman in my town (notoriously known for being MAJOR pains in the butt).  What was my infraction you may ask?  Checking the weather on my phone -- for which he thought I was texting (definitely was NOT texting - but apparently that doesn't matter, just the sheer fact of holding your phone is enough).  No warning, nothing.  Just "may I see your license" and a $142 ticket...yup. Awesome. Thank you KPD - you are awesome.....  So now come the 24th of August I will be in Keizer Municipal Court trying to get it reduced.  
But the biggest annoyance/fear is my insurance...gah, possibility that we could get a letter from them (if they do a DMV sweep, which they just did one in June..so hopefully that won't happen again for a while....) of a possible cancellation threat.  So if you're in the business of praying...throw up a couple prayers for that, definitely do NOT want to be dealing with any of that business.


Which brings me to my blog title...
I never handle these types of situations very well -- it typically results in a LOT of guilt and terrible self talk.  Actually, bad self talk is something I struggle with most of the time, not just in these specific situations (these just seem to amplify it).  Example: this morning right after getting the ticket immediate response to myself was that I am terrible, ramming myself with terrible talk about how it's my fault if we have trouble with our insurance, how stupid I am, how I am a terrible driver/wife/person, etc.  I mean it went on and on; and even now nearly 6 hours later I'm still battling those thoughts.   Truth -- I battle these thoughts pretty much every day, and have for a long time.  It's always been such a focus of mine to try and ignore those voices, those words, that bad self talk that I put a ton of mental energy in to it that I often have none left for anything else.  It's exhausting dealing with the emotions that come from those negative thoughts -- and it's even more exhausting trying to fake it to others while trying to ignore just how ugly I feel inside.


So - I'm going to challenge myself to go one day at first of saying nothing bad about myself, of not putting myself down in any way.  I'm not looking for others to tell me how great I am, or how loved I am, or whatever.  Because honestly, when you're battling those thoughts -- things like that either fall on deaf ears or there just frustrating because I can't believe it for myself.  So here I go....Starting here & now....
<3