Time to Get Real

*Disclaimer*  This is a sincere & honest post about where I am (not that previous posts were insincere...) currently.  I appreciate your sensitivity with what I'm sharing....I don't typically verbalize these thoughts to anyone, let alone the blog world.  These are the words & thoughts I battle with and against every day.

My entire life I have always had a very keen sense of myself and my body.  I've always been aware of how I felt about my body & the clothes I chose to wear because of that awareness.  While I love fashion and appreciate it so - I've always kept myself, for some reason, from wearing those clothes I loved and/or appreciated.  Hear me when I say that a long time ago I came to terms with the fact that I am not your drop dead gorgeous, super model type of girl - I'm Anna, suburban, American girl.  I like my eyes and my freckles most of all.  But I would never, and have never, characterized myself as one of those girls that every one notices right off the bat.  And that's ok.

But even with that recognition of my appearance - I have held on to a the small, yet powerful, voice within me that criticizes my body, how I look in clothes, how I look out of clothes.  It speaks to me in the mornings when I'm trying to decide what I want to wear today (and more often than not, I find myself in my good ol' standard stand by comfort pieces).  It speaks to me when I'm putting on my work out clothes - "You don't even make work out clothes look good...why even bother?"  It speaks to me in the evening when all I want to do is snuggle up to my husband and feel comfortable, yet I "hear" that small voice picking away...."you're too squishy, better get to that gym. Don't forget you're going to Hawaii...you don't want to be the white squishy one who stands out now do you?!"  It's an awfully annoying voice that seems to get thru every other thought in my brain.

There are really only a few people who know the full extent how that voice fully impacts me & my day to day life/choices.  And really only one person who knows the depths that it takes me.  Isaac has seen it rear its ugly head, when we're trying to get out the door and I can not for the life of me find one single thing that I feel comfortable in, let alone confident/secure.  Monique is probably the only person I have fully let in to my body image world.  I'm glad I did.  It's such an isolating feeling of beating yourself up so often...You feel like no one quite understands or ever will.  I'm short, and round...that's often how I describe myself.  Now at face value, that doesn't seem quite so bad.  But dig a little deeper, ask some more questions of me...and you'll find a whole plethora of fears buried within.  Fears of not being good enough.  Fears of forever being heavier than I want to be.  Fears of not being comparable to those around me. Fears that I'll always be the short girl with big boobs.  Fears of never being able to wear something I want to - of always being "relegated" to certain types of clothes. Fear...such an ugly word.

Even writing this - putting a name to this - is giving me knots in my stomach.  For the last year and a half, Monique and I have been on a Weight Watchers journey (some times are better than others).  But we are committed to it and committed to being honest with one another through the process.  No matter how hard it hurts, no matter how embarrassing, no matter who has a minor break down or when.  That in itself is powerful for me.  I don't think I've ever really allowed myself to talk about these fears and insecurities so directly.  And I'm not going to stop.  I may not be a crazy person when it comes to working out (I find it so pointless to spend 4-5 hours at the gym...I'd much rather be spending that time with my friends, family, and of course Isaac), and will not sacrifice a balanced life for the sake of this desire.  Now I'm not saying that I'm not going to make any changes -- of course not.  Then I'll always have the same situation.   But I am deciding to take this thing in to my own hands, with a friend/partner by my side, and beat these fears and take back my body image & learn to love myself from the inside out.  You'd be surprised how those fears impact so many other areas of life.

Here's to being real...Here's to being honest...Here's to being brave...and Here's to being vulnerable (not normally a strong suit of mine!)
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Too Many Crazies!

I think this week has been the epitome of chaos & craziness!  From random problems popping up last minute on seemingly NORMAL files to absolute, certifiable lunatics threatening lawsuits on baseless terms.

It's Thursday at noon and I'm WIPED! No energy...

Bright spot of this day...got one of our short sales finally closed, and on the road to closing a second one tomorrow! Praise the Lord!


Now...if only I could devise a test to determine the crazies ahead of time, so we can decide if we want to risk working with them or not.  A problem for another day...
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Empty Brain

I have an empty brain right now -- there are too many crazy, chaotic things going on at work that are stressful that I feel I have no more space in my brain for anything useful, creative, or constructive.

So I'll appreciate these two layouts of two of my favorite holidays:
Halloween!

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Thanksgiving! -Side note - I looove Thanksgiving! Tons of food with my crazy, mafia sized family and now Isaac & I have a tradition with some of our great friends.  The Yearby's & Miller's (we lovingly call ourselves the PYMPs...Parker, Yearby, Miller Posse....silly we know) & us go to a movie, there's always something coming out on Thanksgiving.  Then it's off to the casino for some late night money making (if we're all lucky that is....) before we ultimately hit up the local outlet mall for some Black Friday shopping!  It has been so fun the last 2 years and usually hubby & I actually get a fair amount of our Christmas shopping done.  

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I just really love this Thanksgiving table...so precious

Off to finish the work day...then off to running & a choir concert to see some Wyldlife girls!

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Another Misc. Monday

Killin' some time this afternoon & linking up to lowercase letters

 

1.  snooze button - I have a slight, and sad, obsession with hitting my snooze button at least 3 times every morning.  This does not bode well for getting up early for quiet times, early morning workouts, or for packing lunches.  *note to self, practice waking early.

2.  football lovin' husband - My husband is a football coach & in our 4 years together I have learned much from him, yet could never watch as much football, talk as much football, think as much football as that man.  

3. zumba'ing my way to weight loss goal! that's right, I will hit my weight goal with the wonderful help of Zumba! Haven't tried it yet?! DO IT! Honestly addicting...even my football lovin' husband (as mentioned in #2) loves it, and is even talking of bringing some of his kids to join us in class once the season is over.  So fun, and the time passes like nothing.

4. clean & organized office - I can not wait to get our office fully organized and situated. I'm even looking forward to getting rid of husband's bulky desk and bringing in my own sleek desk (which has been banished to middle room due to no space).  Also looking forward to organizing all our books...will be glorious.

5. best friend reunion -

   December will bring best friend reunion (t-minus 57 days) with my best friend Heather.  We are so different, but understand one another better than most.  I miss her...we first bonded over a shared love of Sanrio.  Can not wait to see her new home in Hawaii. 

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Fill in the blank Friday

Another fun Friday tradition....Thanks to Lauren at The Little Things We do

1. I am... a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, conservative, a lover of Christ, lover of classic rock music, an assistant, dependable, loyal, & level headed

2.  I wish... that my family was reunited, that we each had the opportunity to do whatever our heart desired without fear of failure or of being separated by what we're doing.  I also wish that my husband would have his dream of being a head coach, at the high school level, college level, and maybe even the pro level...he's that good of a coach, honest!

3.  I like... green curry, hugs, 80's teeny bopper movies (i.e. pretty in pink, etc), loud classic rock music in the summer, trips to Hawaii, road trips with my family, snuggling with Isaac, going out to dinner, & coming home to a clean house

4.  I can... run 13.1 miles!, barely wait to get to Hawaii in December - it is going to be so incredible to have some time off and be able to see family & our closest friends the Fox's.  We miss them terribly!

5.  I hope... my family & friend realize how much they truly mean to me. I'd be so lost without each of them.  They're my world.  I also hope I live up to my fullest potential and stop selling myself short, nasty habit that satan abuses in me...

6.  I think... the world can be changed if every family took care of one another.  Change from the inside out.  Thankful for my immediate family, and my somewhat mafia sized family...I got pretty lucky with some great aunts/uncles & cousins

7.  I was... hoping to sleep in today and bum around, but duty called and I made my way to work. And now it's time to wrangle with some unruly lenders...they better fall in line & quick!

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Fashion Wish & Dream!

For as long as I can remember I have loved fashion.  Loved watching all the fashion shows & watching E! during fashion week at odd hours just to catch the runway shows.  Here in lies my problem...I am a fan from afar.  I have never been able to translate the things I see (either on the runway or on those around me) in to items in my closet that I feel I can pull off. 
Example:  leggings....everyone & their mom has busted these beauties out from time to time.  Everyone that is...but me.  I just have not figured out how to work it in to my wardrobe in a way that doesn't make me look like a little kid or something.   But rather than dwell on my ineptness of my own personal fashion prowess...I will showcase a few things that I love, and may one day will incorporate...if I have the guts! ;)

Case 1: Cuffed Boots

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Case 2:  Floral Dresses

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Case 3: Slouchy Berets

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Case 4: Oversized Cardigans

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Case 5: Daily Wear Blazers

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Case 6: Leather Jackets

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Well back to the day to day grind now!  I'll keep my dreams alive, love & appreciation of fashion thriving and hopes that some day it'll make a strong appearance in my wardrobe! 

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Race Success & In Need of a Break

The race was a success!  We drove down Friday night and got in to San Francisco around 8am  Saturday morning.  Just in time to pick up our packets, do a bit of shopping, grab some lunch & rest!  It was so fun being together with such great girl friends. 
Sunday morning brought with it excitement & a realization that it was MUCH cooler than last year's race!  But Monique, Rachel & I stuck together through out the race - and even finished about 35minutes faster than Monique & I had last year.  It was great.  It only started raining on us for the last mile & a half.  Otherwise, very enjoyable.  And thankfully my knees didn't hurt quite as much as last year either...now don't get me wrong, they ached that's for sure & for a while I was walking like an old woman.  But the celebratory margaritas at Mamacita was well worth it!  I think between our group of 11 we ordered about 6 pitchers.  So much fun.  Lots of laughs & encouragement.  Of course the highlight of the entire trip were our beautiful Tiffany & Co. finisher necklaces (what obviously sets this race apart from all others!).

Beyond that I have come back totally exhausted (which makes perfect sense).  I am literally counting down the hours until Saturday morning arrives and I have the opportunity to sleep in & bum around until WyldLife.  I am totally pooped.

So I will make it thru these next couple of days by the skin of my teeth and welcome the time to veg out with my husband.  Now if only I could convince my mom to let me take off my 3rd week of vacation the week of Thanksgiving....this might take some major sucking up!

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And I'm Back In the Game!

That's right! I'm actually headed to San Francisco to run in the Nike Women's Marathon (I'm actually doing the half).  Yes, originally when I was debating a couple weeks back - it seemed like there was no way for this to be a reality for me any more.  Changing finances had impacted some decisions Isaac & I had to make, and cutting a few "extras" were key.   So hubby & I did the responsible thing, brought down the "extra" spending, ate in, and were very diligent about our spending habits & of course maintained our giving.  We understood that you can't do absolutely everything all the time & trusted that later God would reveal His bigger plan for us.

Well school started and it became clear what we needed to cover for our short fall for the year.  And we had already surpassed it by $500!  Here's the crazy part -- when estimating what it would cost for the entire NWM weekend, I had come up with a $500 figure & that's precisely what we had in excess of what was really needed.

Thank you God for blessing me, & us, in this way.  I was heart broken that I wouldn't be able to go and experience this weekend with my great girl friends.  But trusted there was something bigger and released it.  No bitterness or anger....just an understanding that we were being called to diligence, responsibility and patience.   And God answers...well and Isaac let me go too.

So now I will get to spend the weekend in San Francisco with great friends, make a mini road trip, run the race, and drive home.  I'm really looking forward to it! It's a wonderful challenge, but no pressure to be or perform a certain way.  I'm looking forward to good food, good fun, & laughs....well, that & the Tiffany & Co. necklace waiting for me at the finish line!!!!

Here's to a wonderful, completely blessed weekend! Thank you Lord!
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Chaos is not my friend

Not in any way, shape, or form!
Yeesh!


But yesterday's cluster of chaos forced me to a realization (#6 if we're keeping track!).  Sometimes I need to release myself from the self imposed "have to's" to have a night cuddled on the couch with my parent's dogs.  I love those dogs.. they're mini doxies and are just the sweetest, most lovable dogs around.  I love my Boston boy too...but there's something about snuggling up with little dogs who just lay on you and give kisses to make you feel like the world is right again.
Second realization (#7) of the night...my cousin Tasha, her husband Chad, and their son Cooper are probably some of my most favorite people in the world.  Tasha is working on a file with us that is having some extreme challenges...and even after a chaotic day of her own she let me run down the street (yes they live down the street from my parents) and go over the file with her.  But honestly, I just love them.  They're so down to earth, love each other, have fun, love their crazy kid Coop (who's finally starting to warm up to me...finally!), and love our huge mafia sized family.

What blessings ended my crazy, chaotic day.  Thank you Lord for that reminder that You are good and you never give us anything we can't handle.  Nothing comes to us without first sifting thru your hands.

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I Am Not Crafty...Sadly

Every time I'm perusing thru other fun blogs I'm always inspired by everyone's home designs - and often wish I could just call them up and have them totally re-decorate my home.  I love my house, I love that when you walk in you know who's house you're in, and I love that we have Isaac's paintings scattered around our walls.

But I can't say that there's a consistency in the design elements.  Even more than that, I'm awful at "decorating" for each season.  I can really only pull off Christmas (Christmas baby right here, it's practically in my DNA).  I have a hard time getting in the groove to pull out corn, hay bales & the like for harvest, or pink hearts for Valentines.  I must be missing that female trait....

Eh...whatever
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In Need of a Do-Over

By all accounts thus far -- this day needs to rewind and start again.  I need a Do-Over PRONTO!

What started off as a modestly normal morning at my house quickly slid down hill and it followed me to the office, in which I have had to deal with idiot agents, idiot clients, and idiot short sale negotiators....

I need to get out of here and fast.  Oh what I would do to be shopping and reading my book at Starbucks.


Can any one make this happen for me?
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Girlfriends

I have to admit - I have never really been one who has multitudes of girlfriends.  I'm more of a lone ranger with a select group of friends, some of whom happen to be girls.

A couple of years ago I really started praying that God would bring some true, grounded friendships with girls who challenge, encourage, and most of all love me for who I am.  It's taken some time for these friendships to come around - and I'm still one who has a small group of trusted girlfriends; but I truly feel like God answered my prayers!

Here are a couple of my great friends who I treasure:

 Monique

 

Monique is one of my greatest friends!  One of those girls that you just know if you need anything will be there in a heart beat.  She recently got married and was on her honeymoon - so we had no communication for a week & a half! Crazy!  But I am incredibly thankful for her.  She some how gets me to do things I normally wouldn't....Example: running.  She is so kind and gentle and aware of her surroundings.  She brings about a softer side in me.  And I love that our husbands get along so well -- it's one of those things where you don't even worry about the awkward silence, because we're always laughing.  That's probably one of the best parts about our friendship, the laughter.  There's always something to laugh about.  It's so fun!

Heather

 Heather has been one of my best friends since the first day we met in 5th grade!  She had just moved from another school to ours and we were at the same desk group.  Let's just say we bonded over a mutual love for all things Sanrio (it was the mid-late 90's...give me a break!).  Thru middle & high school we ebbed & flowed, but really bonded our friendship in our junior & senior year of high school.  We both chose to go to the local community college and ended up having a ton of classes together still.  My parents look at her as one of their kids, and her folks have lovingly called me "Froggy" since 5th grade (I have a tendency to lose my voice frequently).  She is such a lightning bolt - and marches to her own drum no matter what.  She's my go-to fashion girl when I need help, but most of all she knows who I've been, who I am, and wants me to be the best person I can be.  Plus it was fun having her stay with Isaac and I while her hubby Jim finished some school in VA over the summer.  We've been thru thick & thin together -- and I'm sure there's more to come!

Kathryn

Kathryn -- boy oh boy!  She seriously intimidated me the first couple times I met her.  Like border line afraid because she was that confident.  But bonded over  New Years weekend in Bend, primarily over Guitar Hero (at one point I thought she was going to have an seizure from playing for 6 hours straight)!  There have been so many changes in our friendship over the last 3 years, and I am so thankful.  The biggest, and most significant, change to our friendship came when Kathryn accepted Christ as her Savior.  I can vividly remember sitting in a local restaurant crying tears of joy listening to her share how she was ravenously reading thru scripture and sharing how God was meeting her in a really dark time.  I am so thankful for her -- she shares an innocence of loving God that you don't often find.  She cares so much for her students (she's an autism specialist for our local school district).  And most of all -- she is striving to love & glorify Christ in all that she does! Plus she pushes me to better - a better athlete(she's super intimidating in this aspect too, but I love it!), a better woman, a better wife, and a better follower of the Lord.

Lauren

We were introduced by my old mentor.  I think the first time we had coffee I might have scared her (I was talking about having a beer at Oktoberfest & maybe threw out a couple swear words here & there).  But out of it all she is a great friend.  Lauren is who I went to talk about what to expect on my honeymoon and we shared about our fears about being married, and now we share about the other things going on in our lives.  She is probably one of the least judgmental people I have ever met, and really strives to see the good in others; but is also equally logical.  If something is off, if someone is off -- she can see, feel and call it by name.  I so appreciate that in her.  She's no nonsense without being abrasive.  It's a quality I strive for (and tend not to be so hot at...).  Plus she's a freaking amazingly hard worker! This girl works in a law office as a clerk and then is in her 2nd year of law school! She is a rock star!  She always psyches herself out for exams, but KILLS em' every time!  I love that we are both down to earth and just have a good time sharing our lives.

These women are blessings that's for sure.  God has answered prayers - and of course continues to do so.

Who are you thankful for in your life right now?  

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