do not be afraid

There's been a stirring in my over the last 6-9months.  A stirring I've been thoroughly confused by.  A stirring that has taken me from one emotion to the next - mostly because I was & still am quite uncertain of what the stirring means.   

As a self-proclaimed control "freak" these kinds of stirrings - you know, the ones with no clear direction or meaning - tend to throw me off my game.  Truth be told I've mostly been stuffing or ignoring this stirring.  Probably because it seemed easier to do that than sit & dig in to what might be behind that stirring (sorry for the extreme use of the word stirring... can't think of a better term).  

Last evening I was blessed to be in fellowship with some of the kindest, warmest women I have met.  Women who inspire me to be authentic, women who's beauty is far deeper than just what is seen, women who, even if its just in that moment, are not afraid to live from their most confident place.  In our study time last evening I had a bit a revelation...that often times I make my own plans and develop entire scenarios/experiences in my own head & completely miss what the Lord is doing or is trying to teach me.  Looking back I think of all the things that I have missed -- how sad.

And I'm noticing in the past few days that God is clearly saying to me (the only clear thing I have right now)  is to not be afraid. In my weekly memory verse, in my morning study, in the quiet wisdom from trusted friends.

Who knows what that stirring is or what it means.  But what I do know is that I will not be afraid.  I will trust & I will praise -- because there is nothing that the Lord is doing that will bring harm.
<3
"When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You.  In God, whose word I praise, In God I have put my trust; I shall not be afraid.  What can mere man do to me?" Psalm 56:3-4

Challenging

One word for this entire past weekend is challenging.  As I said on Friday I was going out to the Young Life camp in central Oregon over the weekend, and was a bit nervous about being there. I hadn't been to camp in a little over 3 years, I hadn't talked much to any of the folks I led with previous, and it would be the first time seeing and talking with many of them.  I was incredibly nervous.
On the ride over to camp there was the most intense thunder & lightning storm I have ever witnessed in my 24 years in Oregon.  There were times when the lightning lit up the entire sky & earth - as if someone had taken a huge snapshot of the terrain.  It felt so tumultuous -- much like how I was feeling inside.
After we had made our way down the winding gravel road and turned in to camp - I felt the overwhelming sense that I was somewhat alone.  Yes, in the middle of all those people -- some whom I've known for 7 years plus, I felt completely alone.  And that feeling did not dissipate come the morning - if anything it intensified.  The feeling of being alone coupled with intense feelings of insecurity (why am I here, what am I doing, do I belong, should I be leading, am I even effective, etc) bubbled thru my brain during breakfast and into the seminar I went to with other leaders.

After lunch our area played a quick game of silly volleyball and then we took a tour of the new Wyld Life camp they're building on the property.  That was amazing to see how they are building this beautiful amazing camp just for middle schoolers.  Following that I somewhat retreated with napping. 

And here's where Satan ramped up his game big time on me(stupid satan...hate him)....while walking to dinner my team leader basically called me out on how my internal things (I'm not super good about sharing my struggles with others) are impacting the team and it's coming across as if I don't care for them, trust me, even like them.  I felt like I had been smacked in the face with a 2x4.  I couldn't even go in to dinner - I had to get away and just think and pray and cry out.  And that's what I did...I took the long way back to my cabin, crying all along the way, crying out to the Lord... Where was He, why am I so afraid, Why can't I just trust in who God created me to be, Why can't I seem to trust this organization again....I plopped down in the bathroom and just cried for 30+ mintues.  Crying and crying and crying...begging the Lord to meet me; I needed an ally in the worst kind of way.  And as faithful as God always is...He did.
During our 2nd general session the worship was so sweet, it felt like God was wrapping his arms around me and healing the hurts that were deep down.  Mike "Ash" Ashburn, our speaker (and oddly enough, the speaker when I was a camper in 2002...), shared incredible wisdom & gentleness; exactly what I need (thanks God).

It was definitely a roller coaster the entire weekend -- and by the time I got home, I was exhausted.  And I think Satan is trying to get at me in any way he can (I'm battling a cold right now) because of the way God met me and I embraced him. 
Here's something that really jumped out to me in my reading...
"Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity." Joel 2:13

Remembering that God is gracious, compassionate, and abounding in love....
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Silly Expectations & Pressures...

 For some reason I have just been battling this feeling and internal expectation of myself that I need to be something outrageously spectacular all the time, a not really different "different" individual - with incredibly "good" taste & creativity, a wife who has it all together all the time & knows how to cook & sew & cleans like I own a company.   I know logically, this is silliness.  There is no gauge I'm being measured against.  Simply battling my own self doubt...  Ever felt that?  It is such a crummy feeling, like you'll never escape it.  Almost like you're being pushed down on your shoulders with no chance to wiggle out of it.

We've been reading thru Psalms in our small group the last couple weeks and its been great.  Granted Psalms is kind of challenging to really get in to - I think because it is so different from how we live our life now, how we approach the Creator & give Him praise.  That said...I took Psalm 51 to talk about last night, and it was really good.  Pretty eye opening for me.  It's actually one of David's psalms - written after he was confronted by Nathan regarding his adulterous relationship with Bathsheba.  David seems so broken and desolate in the first 9 or so verses... Recognizing just how awful he is on his own...  And then right after that jumps to recognizing the power of God, His ability to turn his head from the impurities in our life, and that he wants to change his ways so that he can speak of the forgiveness of God to other "transgressors."  I haven't quite put my finger on what touched me so significantly yet...but I'm praying it bubbles to the surface.  Maybe it's tied to me recent feelings?


On another note this weekend was spent celebrating my dear cousin Erick's wedding.  It was really a sweet ceremony - very Erick & Mary.  They got married in the backyard of my Uncle Wayne's home.  It's the home where my mom & her sisters (Erick's mom) grew up, where Auntie Lynn & Uncle Wayne got married, and now where we all gather when any where near Puyallup.  My Auntie Lynn passed away over 10 years ago, and so it was very sentimental to have everyone together in that place to watch my cousin get married.  And I witnessed one of the most selfless acts of kindness I had in a while. 
My Uncle Wayne re-married a wonderful woman named Sandy - she is so sweet & kind.  After they got married, she moved into that home where my cousins grew up so as not to disrupt the rest of their high school years.  And she opened up the home again for Erick & Mary to get married - she organized everything, cleaned, cooked, you name it - she did it.  When it came time for the ceremony, she didn't come sit with us -- rather she left the chair next to my Uncle Wayne empty, in remembrance of my Aunt Lynn.  Even thinking about it now makes me tear up.  How kind of her to be aware of that, to sacrifice sitting with her husband & our family (even though it wasn't necessary) to honor my Aunt & Erick's mother.  She is so kind.

Back to running tonight...
<3

Summer Read

As much as I love reading - often times it takes me a little while to get through a book.  Especially when I really like the book - then there always seems to be some minor crisis or distraction trying to pull me away from it.

So this summer I've been reading Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

here

Honestly - I saw the trailer for the movie before I started reading the book.  So I'm on a mission to finish the book BEFORE I see the movie.  I'm really enjoying it thus far -- I've just gotten through the "pray" section and have to say even at this point I'm envious of these travels.  Of course I have my mom's voice in the back of my head saying "If you're going to envy someone's life... you have to envy ALL of their life."  I definitely do not envy the whole situation leading up to her travels, but the travels themselves seem so intriguing & adventurous!  And while I don't think I'd find myself in India *spoiler alert* letting hundreds of mosquitoes attack me (I have a SERIOUS allergy) for the sake of bringing peace to my thoughts; I do admire the desire to go to a place where all you are expected to do is to find peace & calm & connection with God.  That I am envious of.  We'll see what "love" brings... Bali.... another place I'd love to see, I'd just be bringing all my bug repellent with me! :)

But what makes me think I can't have that kind of peaceful existence sitting in my arm chair in my front room?  Why can't I sit & commune with my Lord right there... in my own home town..?  Isn't He big enough to meet me there? Or am I living life with the notion that I'm too big/busy there for Him to even reach me?  We've just started reading Psalms in our small group - and I'm excited to see what wisdom comes from that - how God is going to move in me, how I will see Christ in these Old Testament scriptures, & how I can step aside from myself & really let God be God in my life/heart/mind/marriage/etc.  

"I will praise you, O Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders.  I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High."  Psalm 8:1-2

Back to reading tonight...

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Friday Thoughts...

Two of mine & Isaac's friends were recently divorced - which in itself was heartbreaking.  They were our "go to" couple friends, we matched with one another so well and got together often.  We so loved our friendship.Through the divorce though we have remained friends with both - and still treasure our friendships with them. They are two of the greatest people we have met and spent time with.  And in this year, my friend has come to know the Lord as her personal Savior, she has accepted His gift of forgiveness & transformation & has become a new creation through & through!  It's been so sweet to see how God has softened her once distant heart - and changed it in to a soft place, yearning for the love & guidance of Christ.  Her desire for the Lord is so evident - it is so clear - so concrete.... it challenges me to find that place within my own relationship with the Lord.  To put my earthly self aside and seek out His will, His wisdom, His power, His forgiveness, His love first above all.

There have been some definite hard times in the last couple months that she has faced and is facing now - but I know and am incredibly confident that her primary focus will be on leaning on the Lord & on His understanding.  There are so many scriptures that come to mind when I think of this friend & the situation... But I lean on this...
"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?  As it is written:  'For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.'  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:35-39

Regardless of the situation - no matter how desperate the circumstances I am not alone - nothing can come between the love my Father has for me and I for Him.
So I will wait & trust in that.

Hope all have a great weekend -- it's time to rest for sure!
<3

With You I Am Well Pleased

Confession -- I struggle with seeking approval from others.

Not saying that I would categorize myself as a "people pleaser" per-say.  But that in every situation, group, in my family, in my extended family, etc. I want to be approved of and/or be a part of that group.  This is something that I can see in myself looking back my entire life.  There was always an air of insecurity when it came to owning who I am, what I bring, how I contribute, etc.  It's always backed by a weakness to compare.

And Satan is so devious in this area of my life.  He finds that crack and just twists and turns within it to make it bigger and bigger, and more and more painful.  It has bred so much pain, hurt, mis-understanding, and quiet internal strife.  I hate that part of my struggle....  Because intellectually I know what I bring, who I am, and how I contribute; but I run in to trouble when I let down my guard around my heart in that area and rely on the lies being whispered in my ear.



"And a voice came from heaven: "You are my Son [Daughter], whom I love; with you I am well pleased." Mark 1:11(modification by me).
I am pleasing in the sight of the Lord.  I am loved by the Lord.  I am an heir to the throne.  That is where my definition lies.  That is where I should/will find my value.  I will trust that God placed in me gifts and wisdom that are needed in the specifics groups He has me in at this stage in my life.  My value is in Him, through Him, because of Him.  He sees me as well-pleasing...He approves
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Coming Into My Own

I'm starting to feel like I'm coming into my own.  And last night at my small group - I could really feel that, for the first time in a long time.  I so value that group and the two women who "lead" us.  The wisdom & fun that each woman brings is awesome.  And honestly, for a long time I felt like I didn't quite fit...at all.  But ya know what, that's ok.  I bring something different.  My value within that group is just different -- not less than, not unworthy...different.  We read thru I & II Peter and there were a couple things that stood out plainly & clearly to me.
  "The end of all things is near.  Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray.  Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." I Peter 4: 7-8
and...
  "For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.  For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ."  II Peter 1: 5-8

How profound to stay in the mindset that all those qualities must be built upon one another.  Obviously I can't love if I'm not even kind.  I can't be self-controlled if I don't have the knowledge to know what to be self-controlled about.  Just a little nugget I found valuable.


Giving praise today for strong friendships - for growth of other friendships - and for challenges to help me grow.
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