We spent a lovely week in Las Vegas at a nice, quiet "resort" just outside of the strip -- which was actually very nice. We were a 10min drive to the heart of the action but were far enough away that we could escape for peace & quiet. My mom & I tried not to work, but there was one morning when I worked the entire morning. And though I'm not proud of my actions -- I had a bit of a melt down. It was ugly. It was not fun. It was exhausting. And it just bred feelings of embarrassment & annoyance with myself after the fact. The realization I had shortly after my "melt down" was that I have incredibly gracious people around me. Though most of the time I really do not deserve their grace & understanding.
Second realization of the week came when I got home. Looking back at the week, my vacation, there were more times that I was stressed/focused on work. I used to be able to disconnect and dis-engage easily. And now it's as though I'm completely unable to let go. I get stressed to the max over small, insignificant things. And I HATE(D) how I feel. So it quickly became decision time. Do I sit in this insanity....doing the same thing over & over again, expecting a different result. Or take a step for additional help & information. So I've decided to looking in to meeting with a therapist/counselor -- I need different tools to process those stressful situations, to approach & handle those situations.
Truth be told, there's still a little voice trying to pipe up that "only the weak go see people....only damaged people need to pay to talk to someone" It's an ugly, ugly voice. A voice that I know will try to make its presence known the entire journey. But I'm blessed with wonderful family & friends. One who, when I finally told her my thoughts, immediately sent me a list of recommendations & told me she'd be checking in to see if/when I made the first contact.
It is scary to be sharing this -- but I know that's only my pride trying to take over. I'm not perfect & should expect myself to be. God is forever molding me, I am a work in progress. And I'd rather look & ask for help instead of going to a dark place of despair.
Sorry for the somber post after being gone for so long -- but it's worth it to me, to be authentic & honest. Here we go...
<3
Showing posts with label Realization. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Realization. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Monday, June 13, 2011
Spergi Family
My entire life my father has always been one of those quirky guys, that all my friends loved, the guy who would drive us to games & make up his own words to our songs. He was the guy who would bend over backwards for our pets and could figure out any mechanical issue no matter what. He was never super touchy, huggy kind of guy - unless I forced him or pushed him. And there were times when it seemed like my dad went from zero to sixty with his temper - and then it would be like nothing happened.
There were times when I just didn't understand my dad - as I grew up and learned more about his history, his family story & what not, that it started to make some sense as to how he acted and why he responded the way he did in certain situations. So then it was just that my dad was quirky.
An added element -- about 15 years ago my eldest sister had a son. When my nephew was about 5 years old he was diagnosed with Aspergers. Aspergers is on the austim spectrum, and is typically a fairly high functioning form of autism. There's been a lot of study as of late on Aspergers. Those with Aspergers can often times display inability to maintain eye contact, atypical social skills, abnormal application of emotions to various situations, repetitive behaviors, and limited abilities to express empathy. My nephew was put in to speech therapies and special classes early on - and our family all jumped on board to help Anthony continue to learn & grow. There have been some studies that have linked Aspergers to being genetic. And honestly, when I look at my sister and compare her behavior to that of my nephew I think I could fall in that camp. I imagine that my sister is what my nephew would be like had he not had the intervention, therapy, and care that he has received. She definitely lacks the ability express and have empathy for others, she isn't able to process appropriate emotions for varying situations.
About a month ago, a friend of my mother's encouraged her to read a book about an adult male who shared his story, a memoir of his life experiences and how at the age of about 50 a therapist friend helped come to the conclusion that he had been living with Aspergers. My mom apparently read it in about 2 days - and tried to push it on me. At first I didn't want anything to do with it, my dad didn't/doesn't have Aspergers -- he's just quirky, a product of his not so normal or steady child hood, a product of 25 years in the Marine Corps, a product of working with mechanical things day in and day out for 30+ years. He just had his quirks! I don't know why I was pushing off the book, pushing off the thought that perhaps my dad did have some tendencies. Maybe I was scared. Maybe I was nervous about the fact that my dad might have been living with a mild form of Aspergers his entire life and didn't realize/know it. Don't mis-understand me, there is nothing wrong with anyone with Aspergers, they aren't damaged, they aren't useless or troublesome. Those with Aspergers simple process situations differently, their brains function at a different pace & focus on much different focal points than others.
And so while on a 4 hour drive to my Gran's cabin over Memorial Day I picked up mom's Kindle and started reading...and right off the bat there were things that popped up that echoed some behaviors I had always noticed in my dad (*Disclaimer -- this in no way is to come across that these particular behaviors mean you have Aspergers, I can't diagnose any one...this is simply a recognition of similarities between this man & my father). This man seemed to give different unique names for everyone & everything around him -- my dad always had nicknames for people; ex: my mom = The Blonde Bomb, me = Pahnootsan (Pahnooty, Pahnoots, etc), brother = Alli-Babah. This man was incredibly mechanically inclined and could focus & problem solve -- my dad can look at a motor, a traffic signal, anything really and figure out how to fix it & fix it quickly. And it was interesting to see how this man's social interactions with those around him mirrored my father's social interactions. It was so intriguing and it helped to put things in to perspective for me and help me understand my father, how he likely processes situations, and how I can help strengthen & support my dad.
So now when my dad is in his quirks that don't quite fit, mom & I lovingly tell him he's having a "Spergi" moment. The author of the book calls others with Aspergers "Spergians." So now I am coming to terms with the fact that I likely have been living with a pretty high functioning Spergi my entire life. And rather than be upset or distraught about the fact that I likely have a "different" dad - it's cool to think that my dad approaches life in an entirely unique way, and try to see what I can learn from him & his experiences & how he views the world.
Definitely recommend you to check out the book - it might change your view of those living and thriving with Aspergers.
There were times when I just didn't understand my dad - as I grew up and learned more about his history, his family story & what not, that it started to make some sense as to how he acted and why he responded the way he did in certain situations. So then it was just that my dad was quirky.
An added element -- about 15 years ago my eldest sister had a son. When my nephew was about 5 years old he was diagnosed with Aspergers. Aspergers is on the austim spectrum, and is typically a fairly high functioning form of autism. There's been a lot of study as of late on Aspergers. Those with Aspergers can often times display inability to maintain eye contact, atypical social skills, abnormal application of emotions to various situations, repetitive behaviors, and limited abilities to express empathy. My nephew was put in to speech therapies and special classes early on - and our family all jumped on board to help Anthony continue to learn & grow. There have been some studies that have linked Aspergers to being genetic. And honestly, when I look at my sister and compare her behavior to that of my nephew I think I could fall in that camp. I imagine that my sister is what my nephew would be like had he not had the intervention, therapy, and care that he has received. She definitely lacks the ability express and have empathy for others, she isn't able to process appropriate emotions for varying situations.
About a month ago, a friend of my mother's encouraged her to read a book about an adult male who shared his story, a memoir of his life experiences and how at the age of about 50 a therapist friend helped come to the conclusion that he had been living with Aspergers. My mom apparently read it in about 2 days - and tried to push it on me. At first I didn't want anything to do with it, my dad didn't/doesn't have Aspergers -- he's just quirky, a product of his not so normal or steady child hood, a product of 25 years in the Marine Corps, a product of working with mechanical things day in and day out for 30+ years. He just had his quirks! I don't know why I was pushing off the book, pushing off the thought that perhaps my dad did have some tendencies. Maybe I was scared. Maybe I was nervous about the fact that my dad might have been living with a mild form of Aspergers his entire life and didn't realize/know it. Don't mis-understand me, there is nothing wrong with anyone with Aspergers, they aren't damaged, they aren't useless or troublesome. Those with Aspergers simple process situations differently, their brains function at a different pace & focus on much different focal points than others.
And so while on a 4 hour drive to my Gran's cabin over Memorial Day I picked up mom's Kindle and started reading...and right off the bat there were things that popped up that echoed some behaviors I had always noticed in my dad (*Disclaimer -- this in no way is to come across that these particular behaviors mean you have Aspergers, I can't diagnose any one...this is simply a recognition of similarities between this man & my father). This man seemed to give different unique names for everyone & everything around him -- my dad always had nicknames for people; ex: my mom = The Blonde Bomb, me = Pahnootsan (Pahnooty, Pahnoots, etc), brother = Alli-Babah. This man was incredibly mechanically inclined and could focus & problem solve -- my dad can look at a motor, a traffic signal, anything really and figure out how to fix it & fix it quickly. And it was interesting to see how this man's social interactions with those around him mirrored my father's social interactions. It was so intriguing and it helped to put things in to perspective for me and help me understand my father, how he likely processes situations, and how I can help strengthen & support my dad.
So now when my dad is in his quirks that don't quite fit, mom & I lovingly tell him he's having a "Spergi" moment. The author of the book calls others with Aspergers "Spergians." So now I am coming to terms with the fact that I likely have been living with a pretty high functioning Spergi my entire life. And rather than be upset or distraught about the fact that I likely have a "different" dad - it's cool to think that my dad approaches life in an entirely unique way, and try to see what I can learn from him & his experiences & how he views the world.
Definitely recommend you to check out the book - it might change your view of those living and thriving with Aspergers.
Thoughts??
<3
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Shocking!
Two posts in one day! *GASP!* Crazy I know, but I can't hardly believe it myself.
Today brought two realizations for me. The first is quite a realization - more an affirmation. So here are they, so you're not sitting in suspense...
1. For some reason it bothers me so intensely when people made ridiculous decisions based on illogical reasons. "Feelings" are fleeting and often times fool us in to a place we never intended to be. Rather than focusing on the solid reasons we know to be true, or the reasons we identify as the highest of priorities; we lean to the superficial. So my affirmation...I get easily frustrated with stupid decisions made primarily off stupid, superficial reasons. Like I really get frustrated (Pardon the valley girl "like").
2. I really need a buddy when I go work out -- I suck when I'm on my own. And we're not talking just anyone... I've got a pretty stellar friend Monique. We're pretty tight, and we've been working out together for about 3 years now (CRAZY!). She's more than just my work out buddy, she's one of my best buds. That aside...she is a pretty fantastic gym buddy. She encourages me to do my best and focus - but I never feel like I have to measure up to her. We're both just doing our own thing - but holding each other accountable to being there & following thru. Same thing goes for running. I don't need to compare myself to others around me - because, as my mom always says...if you're going to envy someone's life, you have to envy their WHOLE life. And I like mine just fine thanks.
<3
Today brought two realizations for me. The first is quite a realization - more an affirmation. So here are they, so you're not sitting in suspense...
1. For some reason it bothers me so intensely when people made ridiculous decisions based on illogical reasons. "Feelings" are fleeting and often times fool us in to a place we never intended to be. Rather than focusing on the solid reasons we know to be true, or the reasons we identify as the highest of priorities; we lean to the superficial. So my affirmation...I get easily frustrated with stupid decisions made primarily off stupid, superficial reasons. Like I really get frustrated (Pardon the valley girl "like").
2. I really need a buddy when I go work out -- I suck when I'm on my own. And we're not talking just anyone... I've got a pretty stellar friend Monique. We're pretty tight, and we've been working out together for about 3 years now (CRAZY!). She's more than just my work out buddy, she's one of my best buds. That aside...she is a pretty fantastic gym buddy. She encourages me to do my best and focus - but I never feel like I have to measure up to her. We're both just doing our own thing - but holding each other accountable to being there & following thru. Same thing goes for running. I don't need to compare myself to others around me - because, as my mom always says...if you're going to envy someone's life, you have to envy their WHOLE life. And I like mine just fine thanks.
<3
Thursday, December 30, 2010
I'm baaaaaack!
We got back in to the Pacific Northwest last night...and boy am I tired! I always forget how exhausting traveling is...who would have thought!
That said...I'm sad not to be in Hawaii any more. Loved seeing our friends the Foxes, and spending time with Isaac's family. In time I know I'll feel more comfortable...it just will take me time. I'm a slow warm when it comes to meeting folks and divulging who I am to them. And it makes me nervous sometimes - thus, it seems to be easier to retreat to a book and hide there. But all in all a successful trip - with a few revelations for hubby Isaac & I about who we are as a couple, a small family & how we want & need our vacations to be structured.
Highlight was of course all the wonderful food - hit up these local spots(to name a few): Helena's Hawaiian Food (kick butt kalua pig & husband's favorite...lau lau), Rainbow's Drive In (typically our first stop post arrival - but saved it for our last day lunch), Sam Choy's (Christmas Eve dinner with Foxes...not what we expected, but a funny story now to add to the collection!), Ige's Restaurant & 19th Puka - a standard eating spot for our family (ridiculously good flap meat & other pupus), and of course made a couple stops to the best bakery in Wahiawa.... Kilani Bakery for some malasadas, long johns, turn overs & Haupia cake!
Sad to say that I suck at taking photos. So much so that I literally probably have none from the whole trip! Hubby & I want to be better about capturing & recording our adventures as a newly married couple. Thus - New Years Resolution....Capture life's moments, even the smallest ones: our favorite meals, Isaac's crafts, family, adventures, etc.
Hope you all have a wonderful New Years! See you in 2011!
<3
That said...I'm sad not to be in Hawaii any more. Loved seeing our friends the Foxes, and spending time with Isaac's family. In time I know I'll feel more comfortable...it just will take me time. I'm a slow warm when it comes to meeting folks and divulging who I am to them. And it makes me nervous sometimes - thus, it seems to be easier to retreat to a book and hide there. But all in all a successful trip - with a few revelations for hubby Isaac & I about who we are as a couple, a small family & how we want & need our vacations to be structured.
Highlight was of course all the wonderful food - hit up these local spots(to name a few): Helena's Hawaiian Food (kick butt kalua pig & husband's favorite...lau lau), Rainbow's Drive In (typically our first stop post arrival - but saved it for our last day lunch), Sam Choy's (Christmas Eve dinner with Foxes...not what we expected, but a funny story now to add to the collection!), Ige's Restaurant & 19th Puka - a standard eating spot for our family (ridiculously good flap meat & other pupus), and of course made a couple stops to the best bakery in Wahiawa.... Kilani Bakery for some malasadas, long johns, turn overs & Haupia cake!
Sad to say that I suck at taking photos. So much so that I literally probably have none from the whole trip! Hubby & I want to be better about capturing & recording our adventures as a newly married couple. Thus - New Years Resolution....Capture life's moments, even the smallest ones: our favorite meals, Isaac's crafts, family, adventures, etc.
Hope you all have a wonderful New Years! See you in 2011!
<3
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Chaos is not my friend
Not in any way, shape, or form!
Yeesh!
But yesterday's cluster of chaos forced me to a realization (#6 if we're keeping track!). Sometimes I need to release myself from the self imposed "have to's" to have a night cuddled on the couch with my parent's dogs. I love those dogs.. they're mini doxies and are just the sweetest, most lovable dogs around. I love my Boston boy too...but there's something about snuggling up with little dogs who just lay on you and give kisses to make you feel like the world is right again.
Second realization (#7) of the night...my cousin Tasha, her husband Chad, and their son Cooper are probably some of my most favorite people in the world. Tasha is working on a file with us that is having some extreme challenges...and even after a chaotic day of her own she let me run down the street (yes they live down the street from my parents) and go over the file with her. But honestly, I just love them. They're so down to earth, love each other, have fun, love their crazy kid Coop (who's finally starting to warm up to me...finally!), and love our huge mafia sized family.
What blessings ended my crazy, chaotic day. Thank you Lord for that reminder that You are good and you never give us anything we can't handle. Nothing comes to us without first sifting thru your hands.
<3
Yeesh!
But yesterday's cluster of chaos forced me to a realization (#6 if we're keeping track!). Sometimes I need to release myself from the self imposed "have to's" to have a night cuddled on the couch with my parent's dogs. I love those dogs.. they're mini doxies and are just the sweetest, most lovable dogs around. I love my Boston boy too...but there's something about snuggling up with little dogs who just lay on you and give kisses to make you feel like the world is right again.
Second realization (#7) of the night...my cousin Tasha, her husband Chad, and their son Cooper are probably some of my most favorite people in the world. Tasha is working on a file with us that is having some extreme challenges...and even after a chaotic day of her own she let me run down the street (yes they live down the street from my parents) and go over the file with her. But honestly, I just love them. They're so down to earth, love each other, have fun, love their crazy kid Coop (who's finally starting to warm up to me...finally!), and love our huge mafia sized family.
What blessings ended my crazy, chaotic day. Thank you Lord for that reminder that You are good and you never give us anything we can't handle. Nothing comes to us without first sifting thru your hands.
<3
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Courtesy
Probably one of the least common qualities displayed these days.
Can't people be courteous to one another? I mean really...hanging up on someone just because you don't like what you're hearing? Far from courteous.
Realization #6: Always try to be courteous to everyone you come in contact with...you don't know how their day has been going, is going, or will be going. Why not try to be a light in their day??
<3
Can't people be courteous to one another? I mean really...hanging up on someone just because you don't like what you're hearing? Far from courteous.
Realization #6: Always try to be courteous to everyone you come in contact with...you don't know how their day has been going, is going, or will be going. Why not try to be a light in their day??
<3
Monday, September 13, 2010
Realization #5
Jeeze -- this must be the season for personal revelations?! I will from here on out create a label to be associated with all my realizations.
Here it goes...Realization #5: Sometimes I can just be a big ol' brat! That's right, I said it.
My name is Anna, and from time to time I am a brat for little to no reason. *Phew...not as hard as I thought it would be!*
Last night was a perfect example of my sinful, selfish bratty-ness rearing it's ever so ugly head! It's football season & school just started, which typically means late nights for Isaac, particularly on Sundays (they have football meetings in the afternoon which lead in to school work afterwards). This I know; logically I am aware of this. Yet for some reason yesterday I was so upset with him when he got home at 9pm -- even though we didnt' have concrete plans, there wasn't some place we had to be, he hadn't said that he'd be home at 6:30, or anything of the sort. The only thing I had to legitimately stand on was that I think he should have just shot a text with a general at home time. Beyond this...I had nothing but quicksand beneath my feet.
It was the oddest evening - Isaac feeling bad, me feeling mad then bad then mad again...mad at myself, mad at Isaac, just mad in general. Not that it's any excuse I was exhausted from the whole week at work and organizing/hosting a bachelorette party....needless to say, I was pooped. That aside I was just pissed. Have you ever been in that place where you're not entirely sure why you're mad; but completely sure of the fact that you want to be mad? That's me -- or was me last night.
So today I feel awful. Completely wretched. What a lame-o wife am I?! I am married to one of the sweestest men alive who lives and breathes to be a loving, caring, successful husband who strives to make everyone around him proud. And here I was throwing it in his face and effectively throwing a useless, pointless tantrum. Yuck - don't even like myself about that right now!
Now comes the time to apologize and confess my bratty-ness to Isaac. And time to be incredibly thankful and keenly aware of his sacrifices for our family. He's wonderful - and a lot of the time I'm surprised he picked me.
<3
Here it goes...Realization #5: Sometimes I can just be a big ol' brat! That's right, I said it.
My name is Anna, and from time to time I am a brat for little to no reason. *Phew...not as hard as I thought it would be!*
Last night was a perfect example of my sinful, selfish bratty-ness rearing it's ever so ugly head! It's football season & school just started, which typically means late nights for Isaac, particularly on Sundays (they have football meetings in the afternoon which lead in to school work afterwards). This I know; logically I am aware of this. Yet for some reason yesterday I was so upset with him when he got home at 9pm -- even though we didnt' have concrete plans, there wasn't some place we had to be, he hadn't said that he'd be home at 6:30, or anything of the sort. The only thing I had to legitimately stand on was that I think he should have just shot a text with a general at home time. Beyond this...I had nothing but quicksand beneath my feet.
It was the oddest evening - Isaac feeling bad, me feeling mad then bad then mad again...mad at myself, mad at Isaac, just mad in general. Not that it's any excuse I was exhausted from the whole week at work and organizing/hosting a bachelorette party....needless to say, I was pooped. That aside I was just pissed. Have you ever been in that place where you're not entirely sure why you're mad; but completely sure of the fact that you want to be mad? That's me -- or was me last night.
So today I feel awful. Completely wretched. What a lame-o wife am I?! I am married to one of the sweestest men alive who lives and breathes to be a loving, caring, successful husband who strives to make everyone around him proud. And here I was throwing it in his face and effectively throwing a useless, pointless tantrum. Yuck - don't even like myself about that right now!
Now comes the time to apologize and confess my bratty-ness to Isaac. And time to be incredibly thankful and keenly aware of his sacrifices for our family. He's wonderful - and a lot of the time I'm surprised he picked me.
<3
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