For some reason I have just been battling this feeling and internal expectation of myself that I need to be something outrageously spectacular all the time, a not really different "different" individual - with incredibly "good" taste & creativity, a wife who has it all together all the time & knows how to cook & sew & cleans like I own a company. I know logically, this is silliness. There is no gauge I'm being measured against. Simply battling my own self doubt... Ever felt that? It is such a crummy feeling, like you'll never escape it. Almost like you're being pushed down on your shoulders with no chance to wiggle out of it.
We've been reading thru Psalms in our small group the last couple weeks and its been great. Granted Psalms is kind of challenging to really get in to - I think because it is so different from how we live our life now, how we approach the Creator & give Him praise. That said...I took Psalm 51 to talk about last night, and it was really good. Pretty eye opening for me. It's actually one of David's psalms - written after he was confronted by Nathan regarding his adulterous relationship with Bathsheba. David seems so broken and desolate in the first 9 or so verses... Recognizing just how awful he is on his own... And then right after that jumps to recognizing the power of God, His ability to turn his head from the impurities in our life, and that he wants to change his ways so that he can speak of the forgiveness of God to other "transgressors." I haven't quite put my finger on what touched me so significantly yet...but I'm praying it bubbles to the surface. Maybe it's tied to me recent feelings?
On another note this weekend was spent celebrating my dear cousin Erick's wedding. It was really a sweet ceremony - very Erick & Mary. They got married in the backyard of my Uncle Wayne's home. It's the home where my mom & her sisters (Erick's mom) grew up, where Auntie Lynn & Uncle Wayne got married, and now where we all gather when any where near Puyallup. My Auntie Lynn passed away over 10 years ago, and so it was very sentimental to have everyone together in that place to watch my cousin get married. And I witnessed one of the most selfless acts of kindness I had in a while.
My Uncle Wayne re-married a wonderful woman named Sandy - she is so sweet & kind. After they got married, she moved into that home where my cousins grew up so as not to disrupt the rest of their high school years. And she opened up the home again for Erick & Mary to get married - she organized everything, cleaned, cooked, you name it - she did it. When it came time for the ceremony, she didn't come sit with us -- rather she left the chair next to my Uncle Wayne empty, in remembrance of my Aunt Lynn. Even thinking about it now makes me tear up. How kind of her to be aware of that, to sacrifice sitting with her husband & our family (even though it wasn't necessary) to honor my Aunt & Erick's mother. She is so kind.
Back to running tonight...
<3
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