For the majority of my formative teenage and young adult years I have been involved with an organization that was near & dear to my heart. The majority of my most treasured memories & experiences stem from activities with this group. In fact the man I'm dating, and plan to marry, was involved in the same group - and it's how we met. There are so many aspects that I love about this group...
...Yet more and more lately I'm finding myself less engulfed by its presence, by its influence. I see people doing things I used to do, being with people I used to spend time with - and I don't really see myself fitting in that picture anymore. It's really odd...surreal almost. Because for a time I was a significant piece in that puzzle - there were some who truly believed that I would be one of those people who gets involved and stays involved for the remainder of their life. That I would be the stand out individual for that organization in my area. And maybe I will be...but right now I don't know how I could be.
So much of me feels like the odd man out - is it because I really don't fit anymore (if I ever did in the first place) or am I just fighting reality that I so desperately want to be accepted by these people and am too scared to put myself out there for fear of rejection? I don't know ---well that's a lie, I do know. It's a mixture of so many things I think. I love to support this mission - I love what it is about - I love what it generally does. I struggle with its day to day existence. Which saddens me honestly.
It's really hard to feel like all of your friends were only you friends if you were involved...and once my allegiance or membership changes, the phone calls stop, the calendars book up faster, etc.
It's hard to feel alone with all these people around - but some how I do.
Is anyone out there?
a.mac
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment