Etc, Etc, Etc

One of the most exciting days of my life has taken place in the past few months. A day that so many long for, are patient for, and a day that some never see. I was blessed to be able to marry my best friend, Isaac. And I am incredibly thankful for that - for him. Yet here I am on a Sunday afternoon having spent a good portion of the day with him & with my large family and all I can seem to think about is me...in varying degrees. Am I too fat? I really do want to do those half-marathons & it isn't fair that we're spending $700+ for 5 months of the year that you aren't using the golf course yet I am overspending us because I want to do those half-marathons. What am I missing? What adventure have I given up? Did I make the right choice in getting married. In the words of the King of Siam (The King & I) "Etc, Etc, Etc"

How in the world did I become so self focused, so self-centered, so self-aware. I mean I realize my whole life I have probably been more self-aware than most kids -- and at times that created a lot of heartache & missed opportunities. But this is teetering on reaching an all time high. Perhaps its the face that I am alone a good portion of the time and have no reason to ponder thoughts about any one else but myself - but regardless.

So much has changed in the last few months, and yet I feel like I am stuck in the middle of somewhere & that no place of comfort will be found. Satan is pulling me in all directions & I can feel all the while he is merely pulling me out into the deep -- where I will be completely vulnerable, completely alone, and completely disoriented; giving him the freedom & power to pounce on my soul. How did I get to this place? How can I be standing in a place so soon after my wedding wondering if I made the right choice in marrying my husband? How can I be in this place not wanting to share my thoughts with him, feeling like he hasn't yet allowed me into the place of communing together -- walking to the throne of the king together. This transition is so challenging - yes my relationship with Christ is mine, and his is his....but where is the relationship that "we" have with Christ... I feel alone...

Today at church a video was played with the theme being that if you cry out to the Lord, He will set you free. Well I'm here Lord -- crying out. Where are you? I need you -- help me to be rid of these thoughts, this anguish, this fear. I desperately cry out for freedom - so much so that it hurts. I've never really surrendered - but Lord I am crying out, screaming, on my knees.... I choose you...and I choose freedom. Will you forgive this child?