For the majority of my formative teenage and young adult years I have been involved with an organization that was near & dear to my heart. The majority of my most treasured memories & experiences stem from activities with this group. In fact the man I'm dating, and plan to marry, was involved in the same group - and it's how we met. There are so many aspects that I love about this group...
...Yet more and more lately I'm finding myself less engulfed by its presence, by its influence. I see people doing things I used to do, being with people I used to spend time with - and I don't really see myself fitting in that picture anymore. It's really odd...surreal almost. Because for a time I was a significant piece in that puzzle - there were some who truly believed that I would be one of those people who gets involved and stays involved for the remainder of their life. That I would be the stand out individual for that organization in my area. And maybe I will be...but right now I don't know how I could be.
So much of me feels like the odd man out - is it because I really don't fit anymore (if I ever did in the first place) or am I just fighting reality that I so desperately want to be accepted by these people and am too scared to put myself out there for fear of rejection? I don't know ---well that's a lie, I do know. It's a mixture of so many things I think. I love to support this mission - I love what it is about - I love what it generally does. I struggle with its day to day existence. Which saddens me honestly.
It's really hard to feel like all of your friends were only you friends if you were involved...and once my allegiance or membership changes, the phone calls stop, the calendars book up faster, etc.
It's hard to feel alone with all these people around - but some how I do.
Is anyone out there?
a.mac
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
A Place to Empty My Thoughts
Blogging hasn't really been my "thing" since I was in about 9th grade - when it was all the rage to have & keep a LiveJournal. And at that time I suppose the main reason that I had one was to stay connected with my friends - share my most recent experiences in the halls of my high school - or bemoan the strict nature of my parents. But that quickly got old as new distractions kept popping up.
So I return to the world of blogging, not really sure of what (if anything) I will say, share, discuss, etc. I guess I'll start with the basics...
I'm 22 years old - living in the same town I was born in, which is the same town my father was born & raised in. Live with my parents whom I love, but struggle to understand from time to time...maybe because we're so different, yet so similar. I've had your pretty average home life and a fairly stereotypical suburban childhood. But you won't find me complaining about that - within that entire experience I've felt more love & support from my parents & brother than I could ever imagine. I'm happy & more than thankful for my immediate family - we are each other's glue, what keep one another sane in a world that is otherwise insanity itself, and we honor the strengths that everyone brings to the table. I'm dating a wonderful man, who makes me smile virtually every time I'm with him - who challenges me to grow, let people in to that place in my heart where people truly know who I am, and who loves me unconditionally - no matter what struggles we face. Life has been fairly ideal - for which I am thankful.
Despite this existence - I often find myself struggling with thoughts of where my purpose is. What am I doing here? Why does it seem so hard to find people who track with what I'm saying, doing, etc? Am I ever going to find female friends that love, encourage, challenge me in a way that I've never had before. Why do I always feel awkward around a group of people that I used to spend so much time with in an organization that used to be an integral part of my life???
So I suppose that's why I started walking back into the world of blogging. Maybe if I just have an outlet to release thoughts, pains, frustrations, joys, etc back into the world I'll find clarity and/or direction. It's got to be better to release & process thru this stuff rather than shoving it inward and acting like nothing has happened or that I feel nothing.
This strong, young woman needs a safe, soft place to be honest, even silly about her thoughts sometimes...hopefully this will be my avenue to do so.
a.mac
So I return to the world of blogging, not really sure of what (if anything) I will say, share, discuss, etc. I guess I'll start with the basics...
I'm 22 years old - living in the same town I was born in, which is the same town my father was born & raised in. Live with my parents whom I love, but struggle to understand from time to time...maybe because we're so different, yet so similar. I've had your pretty average home life and a fairly stereotypical suburban childhood. But you won't find me complaining about that - within that entire experience I've felt more love & support from my parents & brother than I could ever imagine. I'm happy & more than thankful for my immediate family - we are each other's glue, what keep one another sane in a world that is otherwise insanity itself, and we honor the strengths that everyone brings to the table. I'm dating a wonderful man, who makes me smile virtually every time I'm with him - who challenges me to grow, let people in to that place in my heart where people truly know who I am, and who loves me unconditionally - no matter what struggles we face. Life has been fairly ideal - for which I am thankful.
Despite this existence - I often find myself struggling with thoughts of where my purpose is. What am I doing here? Why does it seem so hard to find people who track with what I'm saying, doing, etc? Am I ever going to find female friends that love, encourage, challenge me in a way that I've never had before. Why do I always feel awkward around a group of people that I used to spend so much time with in an organization that used to be an integral part of my life???
So I suppose that's why I started walking back into the world of blogging. Maybe if I just have an outlet to release thoughts, pains, frustrations, joys, etc back into the world I'll find clarity and/or direction. It's got to be better to release & process thru this stuff rather than shoving it inward and acting like nothing has happened or that I feel nothing.
This strong, young woman needs a safe, soft place to be honest, even silly about her thoughts sometimes...hopefully this will be my avenue to do so.
a.mac
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